Did you make it a habit?

More than once in your life, you might have had a phone number of a crush and you thought it was cool to message hermr-burns-evil-grin anonymously. May be it was. May be she liked it too. But did you make it a habit to anonymously message women? Now that is not cool. With advent of smartphones for not-so-smart people, it has become a hell among all mini-hells. Like keeping in touch with your boss or employees 24/7 wasn’t punishment enough, you now have these freaks who messages you like there is no tomorrow.

You might say why not block them, but how many are you gonna block? you block one number, they ping you from another. The possibilities are endless. I fail to understand the mentality behind this. What do you expect out of me? I would have sex chat with you? Make you my online boyfriend? Or just admire you for your repellent language?  First of all what motivates you to ping an unknown woman, call her baby, honey whatever and then say she is hot? What makes you think we will like it? Seriously, what is it? Do you think women are so cheap?

Recently, I got a ping from +91 95387 90614 on whatsapp and the guy was straight way abusive. For one month or more I did not reply in the hope that he would go away but man, I was wrong. At last I could bear no more and i took it out on him. You know women can make your life miserable too if we want to. So Adarsh from Karnataka with phone number +91 95387 90614, this is the baby you harassed for a month or more. You are damn right I am hot and last but not the least, since you have blocked me, how did you like it today?

Divorce is NOT EASY for a woman either

Since I have posted the other article, How can stress damage you, I had been asked by quite a number of people if it

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was easy to deal with the divorce being a woman. So I am writing this post as a clarification of how we woman deal with the divorce proceedings. What I fail to understand is how can anyone think that divorce is easy? A woman gets married into a family. It is either a love marriage or arranged, but she goes to live with your family and not the other way around. Everything she had done so far for herself changes in a moment. As if the scenic changes are not enough, she has to tolerate all the criticisms from her new “family”. She cannot cook like your mother does, or does the laundry like your mother usually does. Did you even stop for a minute to wonder that maybe she can do all of that only has a different way, which may be the universe doesn’t have only one rule or one way? She has to know what you like to eat, cook like you like it. Did you ask her what her favourite dish is? No, you do not. You do not think it is necessary. After all, she is getting married into your family, not the other way round.

As if this is not enough, there are other unasked questions like how much gold did she bring? Or how much cash did her father offer? What gifts her family offered to your family? All you do is participate in the gossip, never thinking of her, never taking her side. Did you marry her for her money? Oh wait, we cannot ask that question because that would hurt your male ego. You portray a whole different picture before marriage, and make her walk into a horror movie after. Do you realize that she needs time to adjust to your surroundings? This is a whole different household for her as well. May be at her father’s place she wasn’t treated like this, maybe she needs a little time? You humiliate her, demoralize her, question her very existence, and you think it is easy for her to file for a divorce?

It is worse in case of love marriages. Before marriage, every bit of her imperfections makes you fall in love with her a bit more, after marriage you cannot even take it if she is late to bring the morning tea. What happened overnight? The marriage fairy told you otherwise?

You put her through a mental anguish that is very hard to comprehend. Not only her hopes and dreams are shattered, you make her feel worthless. Do you realize what is it to live without hope? If she is a working woman, suddenly her work is a problem, she doesn’t spend enough time at home, and she doesn’t take care of your father and mother the way they would prefer. So tell me this, why did you marry a working woman again?

So she decides, she decides to leave you and your family. So no, it is not easy for “us”, women. We go through a lot before reaching such a decision.

I know you will disagree but before crucifying me, take a bit of time and think, am I all wrong? Even after the divorce is filed, you think of yourself only, saying that it was her fault that your marriage didn’t work out. You are not only at fault here, the society makes you believe, no, programs you to think that if she wants to break free, she is no ‘ghar-ki-lakshmi’. What about you? When will you stop with the idiosyncrasies and start to think? We leave everything we grew up with just to be with you; please don’t make it so much more difficult.

This is pre-divorce. Now let me talk about filing for divorce. Do you know that even our parents question such a decision? Our siblings, who we grew up with suddenly, think that we are lunatics. Everyone wants us to ‘try’ a bit more. Society is against the women who think you are untouchables. Do you think it is easy to stand before the lawyers and Judges and tell them your story? No, it is not easy. Your every move is judged from now on. You are not a good woman because you left your husband. You are not a good woman because you broke a family. You see, we woman fight, not just against you but the prejudices as well.

You know what is the worst part? People start to take pity on you. As if you are helpless, it is as if you didn’t lose a husband, you lost a limb. So no, it is not easy. It is never easy for us, women.

The Whole Charade

It’s not easy being an Indian bride. But I guess it’s pretty much same for

all the brides. The clothes, the jewellery, the pressure to look the best. Honestly I didn’t care about all of those ever; I didn’t even care if I ever got married. Naturally, I was overwhelmed. The weekly visits to the parlour, the elders whispering wisdom in my ears, the tailors measuring every inch of my body. Frankly, I felt violated, but you cannot complain, it’s your marriage. You have to bear all that and then some. The end product was better than I hoped for, which means I looked gorgeous.

No one asked me if I wanted all of that. May be secretly I wanted all of that, maybe I didn’t know that I wanted all of it. I didn’t complain. I was getting all the attention and the good kind of attention I mean. Don’t know what is it with women and being a bride, that makes the glow from the inside. I have seen some hard-core women against marriage, finally giving up. I have been told girl’s fancies it. My fantasies were different. I wanted a bright career; make a difference, be somebody.

I wanted a small wedding, but that seemed farfetched. Being the only daughter of your parent’s makes it so much more difficult. You cannot even dream about upsetting your parent’s or other family members. Besides what will your in-laws think? In all of these, you are lost, your principles, ideologies, pretty much everything you believed in all these years of growing up. I was told to feel fortunate, because I got all of that many can only imagine and never get. Honestly, I was feeling anything but fortunate. I told my mum and dad to sponsor a wedding for the less fortunate than us, who cannot afford so lavish, instead of me, for I am never going to feel lucky about it and would only hold a grudge against them. Again, I was perceived to be crazy.

You cannot even dream of sharing the idea with the groom. What if he doesn’t understand, what if they break it off. So I lived through all the ‘what ifs’ and I kept my mouth shut, with my inside screaming for some air. I compromised, but nobody understood that. Everyone thought I should feel lucky to have parents who gave me so much. No one understood that all I wanted was to have a small wedding, no one cared, and I was taken for granted.

I must sound like a spoilt whiner, but my point here is, when will we get to decide what we want? Why is it that everyone’s wishes gets fulfilled during a marriage except for the bride? Why do we have to compromise with our hopes and dreams?

I remind myself every day that I am lucky to have such kind parents, who is never gonna listen to me. I hope you get everything you want on your wedding. 🙂

 

How can STRESS damage you..

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From last 2 years that I have been married and going through a divorce made me realize the effect stress can have on you. No one understands your situation, they try to give you advice that you are not ready to take. Though their intention is good but the practicality of the advice is questionable.  You find it hard to even get out of bed, let alone follow advice. You cannot sleep properly, or eat. You lose interest in pretty much everything. Often times, you want to be left alone, you do not want to talk. You either stop eating or eat a lot. You ache everywhere.

I started to notice that I didn’t care about how I looked anymore. I hated talking to anyone and even the thought of going out made me want to cry. I would make excuses to stay at home and do nothing. My hair mane started reducing, I started to gain weight, I started avoiding people and functions altogether. I would not get sleep and the little time I slept, I was haunted with nightmares. Talk about an impressive depression. Though I had professional help, I found that medicines made me groggy (I am not advising that you give up on medications though).  I did everything I could to make me better though, but that emptiness would not go away. I wanted to write about my situation but was too damn scared lest I would be marked as a freak.  Indian society does that to you.

Image copyright belongs to their respective ownersI wanted to get away from the situation, often dreamt of the days I was not married but of course, that didn’t help at all. I even started blaming everyone around me for my situation and to keep them at bay. I did this even to my best friend. For 2 whole years, all I did was hang in to the thread called life, without taking a dab of interest in it. Life passed by and I watched. I was too proud to cry. I would not talk to anyone about what was going on inside me. I would not let anyone even predict how helpless I was. I put up a strong front while I was crying inside.

Finally with the divorce settling in, the terms and conditions being agreed upon, I took a breath. I finally talked. Actually not in the talk per se, but I am writing it down. I found the courage to share my condition. I know what stress and depression can do to a person, believe me, I have faced them myself.

I am writing this article to let you know that you are not alone. Others suffer too, just don’t reveal them. It’s not a curse. My request is that please talk to people, your best friend, parents, siblings, anyone. Don’t be like me and shut them out of your life. They are worried about you and they don’t know what they can do to make you feel better.

Another important point is to keep the stress factor out of your life. For me, the stress factor was divorce terms not settling in. For you it can be anything. Identify it and acknowledge that you are depressed. Seek medical help, if needed. You can talk to me as well. I can be reached through Twitter, my handle @candinam.

While you are busy doing everything you can to fight this, remember to breath. It’s okay to be stressed, depressed!!

Here is a poem I read somewhere by someone often helped with my melancholy.

I’ve seen castles made out of sand.

Met people who believed destiny is engraved in the palms of their hands..

I’ve seen people change their faith.

Experienced love changed into hate.

I’ve seen people grow younger with age.

And a bird who wouldn’t fly out of an open cage.

I’ve seen love sold for money.

People who are devastated inside, but outside they are funny.

I’ve seen unicorns fall in love with toads.

People who owned half the city, have now hit the road.

I have learnt to expect the unexpected.

Perfection doesn’t exist, we are all defected.

Everyone cries, some just hide their tears.

They say coal turns into diamond over a million years.

Someone believes, you are one in a million.

For others, you are just another nobody in a billion.

So live life with all that you have..

Cherish every moment, whether happy or sad…

My NGO – The why..

Not long ago, I had a tiny dream. A dream to create an atmosphere where terms like Logo Sanaijustice, education, health, sanitation and safe drinking water would not be clichés. When I studied in Bangalore, I was happy but somewhere there was that feeling of bafflement. Then after I got my job, for a short time I was happy. For the first time, I was earning my living; I wasn’t financially dependent on anyone. I thought this was it, may be this was what I wanted after all. 6 years into my job and travelling through various places, I got the feeling of something missing back. I realized this thirst could only be fulfilled through doing something worthwhile. This was the seed, my motivation to start my NGO. Having volunteered in certain amount of non-profits, I knew this wasn’t an easy task. Finding my ground was even more difficult. I was a girl, who doesn’t speak very good Bengali in West Bengal. It was almost like a curse, no one would take me seriously. This is when Ashoke Sarkar came as bliss in my life. He, being a lawyer and all, had an NGO, all the papers and bye laws ready. I took the opportunity, started working under its banner.

We, now work in different areas like health, education and justice. We have worked on social issues like teenage counseling and child trafficking. We have also organized various awareness camps to show the very basic ways to purify drinking water, conducted classes on hygiene and post and pre natal care and mother’s health.

We are newbies, but we have our dream. Ours is a small time town, bordered by Bangladesh on three sides.   Needless to say, State Government kept an overall blind eye in our district. We do not want to repeat the stereotypes but we do need basic health care facilities, proper education (not schools) and yes, justice for everyone.

Will you help?

Mamata Getting A Chaotic Justice

Mamata Banerjee started off with a chaos.. Nandigram, Keshpur, Shingoor.. You name it and she was there protesting for the

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Cat got my tongue

good cause, so far even that she didn’t let the Tatas build the Nano factory here in West Bengal. She is a gem, isn’t she? Now that the Tatas have fought back, none of the farmers are getting their land back, nor is there any government subsidy for them. Well, Mamata has been busy figuring our how to compensate the victims of the Sharada Chit Fund scam. Meanwhile the farmers are dying. I really do not understand where did all the money of the Chit Fund go and why is West Bengal state government compensating the victims with the taxpayer’s money. hmmmm..!! It tickles my grey matter.

After fighting so long against CBI investigation, Mamata had to finally give in owing to the verdict of the Supreme Court. (Thank God for Supreme Court). So all her promises like to turn Calcutta into London and North Bengal into Switzerland has failed miserably. Cherry on the top, the TET and the Chit Fund scam. The TET scam was very interesting. All those who could pay 10 lacs were given the job. I am sure the primary school salary isn’t much to cover the debt of 10 lacs but who will make them understand.

The education minister, Bratya Basu first said that he will do an investigation, but later backed down. I am sure he got his fair share of the score. Front did try a bit to protest but you know, TMC kills all those who rally against them. Yes, it is true. Take Anubrata Mondol for example. He killed or conspired to kill Ashoke Ghosh, same party worker, because Late Mr. Ashoke Ghosh protested against Anubrata Mondol and his men for illegal coal mining. Hell yeah, we have a mini COALGATE here. But Anubrata Mondol was neither arrested, nor was any actions taken against him. He has been seen openly delivering hate speeches against Left Front and the West Bengal Police. He talks like a hooligan and behaves like a local hoodlum. He can’t really help it, he is one. So the police hasn’t been able to file any charge sheet against him. He talks so much garbage that I sometimes feel that his brain doesn’t get enough oxygen. But Mamata supports him, so ALL IZ WELL…

With BJP single handedly winning the Lok Sabha elections, it will be fun to see how Mamata protects her reign.  2016 is gonna be a good year. The thing about TMC is that they are not organized enough. Everyone, everywhere is a leader and can do anything, their perverted mind pleases, so long you please Mamata, you are good. Go against her and feel her wrath. I think Hitler was better totalitarian than Mamata is. Oh no, I am not complaining. I am alive and that makes me more than happy.

To end this, Left Front is a sinking ship and only way they are gonna survive is to start organizing their group from grassroot level, like they did back in the 60s. So now the bargaining chip is in the hands of Narendra Modi and his party, BJP. I for one will vote for BJP in the state assembly elections of 2016, but not everyone is as convinced as I am. So sweat it out, Modi ji.. We want you here.

The Storm Left Bengal Alone

With BJP Tsunami sweeping across the country, guess which state proved to be different? Ok.. Don’t guess you are not gonna

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Modi or Mamata?

win anything. TMC got most of the seats. TMC stands for Trinamool Congress. What good will it do to us? Mamata Banerjee finally won nothing. All that violence to win the seats in vain. She is such a sore loser that she did not even attend the swearing-in ceremony of the Modi government. Yes, I mentioned Modi government and not BJP. That was intentional.

Back to my state, We have nothing to show for. Mamata didi did win most of the states but they can’t even sit in opposition. What a pity! But makes me happy. And a lot of other people I know… 😉 This is a well deserved right slap on the face. I am so gonna get murdered for saying this.

I have explained before why I hate the TMC government. First, they live by the chaos thoery and not the good one. 2016, Bengal will face its state assembly elections. It will be very interesting to see what will be BJP’s strategy. A state which was once red, turned green. Can it turn to saffron? Only time will tell.. Its a veryinteresting time and anyone who is even a bit political minded has started playing the rubik’s cube in their mind. I have never been so intrigued. I am trying all the permutation combinations possible for BJP to win in this state.

I do not like BJP so much so as I hate TMC. The reason being they are just vulgar. Their so called leaders use profanity in their speeches. Can you belive that? Sometimes I feel there isnt much difference between Mamata Banerjee and Chota Shakeel, may be. At least Chota Shakeel doesn’t pretend to be something else, than what he is. I think Dawdood Ibrahim has more integrity compared to all the TMC leaders combined.

 

Yes, this is a hate speech..

I hope next elections TMC is wiped out of this state like the hair on a baldy.